The local fire and rescue department is taking a proactive approach to the problem of frozen fire hydrants. A perennial problem in northern climates the uncertainty of finding a frozen hydrant in the face of a major fire often causes many professional fire fighters many sleepless nights. The helplessness and frustration associated with finding a frozen hydrant after already stringing two blocks of line has caused some brave fire fighters to consider counseling. Clyde H, whose red hair and dog like face, make him a fire hydrant expert, notes that it is very difficult to push frozen water through canvas hose even after the hydrant is opened.
After much research into building a small centrally heated house over each hydrant or installing water heaters on each block in the city, The solution came from an unusual source. The F.D. auxiliary was shocked to discover that everyone at the Thanksgiving left over pot luck was wearing a knitted cap and they realized that the answer to this hairy problem was right there, in or perhaps on , everyone’s head. F.D. Auxiliary head, Tessa S noted that the answer to the frozen hydrant catastrophe was as simple as providing knitted woolen stocking caps for each and every needy hydrant in the city. Proudly she noted that the caps would be knitted by the auxiliary in many bright festive colors. The hydrants would then bask in the warmth of having a good woolen cap but also feeling the love from the auxiliary.
A test program has been instituted on Woodfield Road and so far has been proven quite successful as no frozen hydrants have occurred since the program began November 1st. Expansion to the whole city is planned for later next year as soon as the auxiliary is able to complete their knitting. In a positive aside others have noted that in the test area where knitted caps are already providing warmth for the hydrants dogs no longer soil the hydrants as frequently as they used to, apparently either confused by their change in appearance or assuming that they are alive due to their festive hats.
Neighborhood activist Millie S points out that test is somewhat inconclusive at this point as the temperature has not dropped below freezing during the test period and no fires have occurred in the test area, But ex-drug company executive Rezulta Warp of “We Get Your Results Labs,” who is overseeing the historic hydrant testing, notes that lack of freezing temperatures, just doesn’t matter because with global warming, historic data cannot be trusted to determine any future situations, Rezulta also strongly and correctly pointed out that no matter what the temperatures have been, no one can deny that there have been none, absolutely 0%, frozen hydrants since the inception of the test.
When we interviewed citizen Shadow S who lives near one of the test subjects, she was concerned that the presence of the knitted caps on the hydrants may lead to an increase in the spread of head lice as everyone knows that stocking caps are a meaningful vector. Test leader Dewey Screwem was quick to respond that all hats had been treated with anti-lice, but ecologically safe chemicals. and the lice danger to hairless fire hydrants was entirely overblown.
Zeke S and Carly S concerned parents noted that many of the hydrants were located near school bus stops and as the leaders of the local neighborhood watch organization how would they and others be able to determine if the hat wearing hydrant was a real person in dark, foggy, or blizzard conditions. “How can we tell,” they said if the cap wearing object is a real person who might be bent on some perversion or just a hydrant? Legal counsel for the city noted that although that determination between hydrant and person might be difficult for many voters, all of the fire hydrants had been vetted and that in the recorded history of America no hydrant had ever committed a crime against children. Lawyer Cheatum noted that in fact many hydrants provided safe and cooling entertainment for children every summer. He did advise Mr. and Miss S that if the same person appeared near the bus stop every day but never moved that it was probably a hydrant.
When asked about when this whole frozen hydrant problem began, local Mayor Blowback stated that it was during the neglectful years of the Regan and Bush Administrations that this whole hydrant issue began, and while President Obama had promised to fix the problem during the last election cycle he had not yet acted on this pressing problem. Blowback noted that the city was researching a provision of the Affordable Care Act that may allow federal funding of the cap program. He said they were parsing carefully the Resource Availability and Needy Water Hydrant provisions found on page 1452, Chapter 7 , Sub-chapter III, item 3.E.2.a.IV of the AFC to see if funding was possible. Mayor Blowback also has magnanimously agreed to donate all the woolen yarn needed for the hydrants, if his name is knitted into each hat in color contrasting letters, as hats he noted were not in his opinion, covered by city or political signage ordinances.
His opponent in the upcoming election, Stu Pideau, when asked for comment said he applauded the hydrant support and comfort program but wondered who was going to pay for the expense of , “ Hatting the Hydrants.”
This reporter is pleased to report that no eminent domain issues appear to be a concern primarily because, although nobody knew it the easements already crossed their property in perpetuity although the possibility of a water main pipeline break and the inconceivable havoc it would create has been a topic of discussion for the local homeowners association.
Archie H. recently terminated from Penn Tennis Ball Company and now in charge of public relations for “We Get Your Results Labs” announced in an open letter published in the local Shopper that study results will be released and questions will be taken at a public meeting to be held at 9:00 AM Easter Sunday in an ice cave on Little Attu island in the Aleutians. People wishing to speak may register at that same site (on-line registration is not available) between the hours of 3 AM and 4 AM on January 1st, 2016.