Mixing Fire and Water ( A study in Sarcasm)

fire hydrantThe local fire and rescue department is taking a proactive approach to the problem of frozen fire hydrants. A perennial problem in northern climates the uncertainty of finding a frozen hydrant in the face of a major fire often causes many professional fire fighters many sleepless nights.  The helplessness and frustration associated with finding a frozen hydrant after already stringing two blocks of line has caused some brave fire fighters to consider counseling.  Clyde H, whose red hair and dog like face, make him a fire hydrant expert, notes that it is very difficult to push frozen water through canvas hose even after the hydrant is opened.

After much research into building a small centrally heated house over each hydrant or installing water heaters on each block in the city,  The solution came from an unusual source.  The F.D. auxiliary was shocked to discover that everyone at the Thanksgiving left over pot luck was wearing a knitted cap and they realized that the answer to this hairy problem  was right there, in or perhaps  on , everyone’s head.   F.D. Auxiliary head, Tessa S  noted that the answer to the frozen hydrant catastrophe was as simple as providing knitted woolen stocking caps  for each and every needy hydrant in the city. Proudly she noted that the caps would be knitted by the auxiliary in many bright festive colors.  The hydrants would then bask in the warmth of having a good woolen cap but also feeling the love from the auxiliary.

A test program has been instituted on Woodfield Road and so far has been proven quite successful as no frozen hydrants have occurred since the program began November 1st.  Expansion to the whole city is planned for later next year as soon as the auxiliary is able to complete their knitting. In a positive  aside others have noted that in the test area where knitted caps are already providing warmth for the hydrants dogs no longer soil the hydrants as frequently as they used to, apparently either confused by their change in appearance  or  assuming that they are alive due to their festive hats.

Neighborhood activist  Millie S  points out that test is somewhat inconclusive at this point  as  the temperature has not dropped below freezing during the test period and no fires have occurred  in the test area,  But ex-drug company executive  Rezulta Warp of “We Get Your Results Labs,”  who is overseeing the  historic hydrant testing,  notes that lack of freezing temperatures,  just doesn’t matter because with global warming, historic data cannot be trusted to determine any future situations, Rezulta also  strongly and correctly  pointed out that no matter what the temperatures have been, no one can deny that there have been none, absolutely 0%,  frozen hydrants since the inception of the test.

When we interviewed citizen Shadow S who lives near one of the test subjects, she was concerned that the presence of the knitted caps on the hydrants may lead to an increase in the spread of head lice as everyone knows that stocking caps are a meaningful vector.  Test leader Dewey Screwem was quick to respond that all hats had been treated with anti-lice, but ecologically safe chemicals.  and the lice danger  to hairless fire hydrants was entirely overblown.

Zeke S and Carly S concerned parents noted that many of the hydrants were located near school bus stops and as the leaders of the local neighborhood watch organization how would they and others  be able to determine if the hat wearing  hydrant was a real person in dark, foggy, or blizzard conditions.  “How can we tell,” they said if the cap wearing  object is a real person who might be  bent on some perversion or just a hydrant?  Legal counsel for the city noted that although that determination between hydrant and person might be difficult for many voters, all of the fire hydrants had been vetted and that in the recorded history of America no hydrant had ever committed a crime against children. Lawyer Cheatum noted that in fact many hydrants provided safe and cooling entertainment for children every summer.  He did advise Mr. and Miss S that if the same person appeared near the bus stop every day but never moved that it was probably a hydrant.

When asked about when this whole frozen hydrant problem began, local Mayor Blowback stated that it was  during the neglectful years of the Regan and Bush Administrations that this whole hydrant issue began, and  while President Obama had promised to fix the problem during the last election cycle he had  not yet acted on this pressing problem. Blowback   noted that the city was researching  a provision of the Affordable Care Act that may allow federal funding of the cap program.   He said they were parsing carefully the   Resource Availability and Needy Water Hydrant  provisions found on page 1452, Chapter 7 , Sub-chapter III, item 3.E.2.a.IV  of the AFC to see if funding was possible.  Mayor Blowback also has magnanimously agreed to donate all the woolen yarn needed  for the hydrants,  if his name is knitted into each hat in  color  contrasting letters, as hats he noted were not  in his opinion, covered by  city or political signage ordinances.

His opponent in the upcoming election, Stu Pideau, when asked for comment  said  he applauded the hydrant support and comfort  program but wondered who was going to pay for the expense of , “ Hatting the Hydrants.”

This  reporter is pleased to report that no eminent domain issues appear to be a concern primarily  because, although nobody knew it the easements already crossed their property in perpetuity  although the possibility of a water main pipeline break and the inconceivable havoc it would create has been a topic of discussion for the local homeowners association.

Archie H. recently terminated from Penn Tennis Ball Company and now in charge of public relations for “We Get Your Results Labs” announced in an open letter published in the  local Shopper  that  study results will be released  and questions will be taken at a public meeting to be held at 9:00 AM Easter Sunday in an ice cave  on Little  Attu island in the Aleutians. People wishing to speak may register at that same site (on-line registration is not available)  between the hours of 3 AM and 4 AM on January 1st, 2016.




About safrisri

I was a school teacher until retirement. I have taught at all educational levels from pre-school to college. My college degree is general science which I arrived at after 5 years and 5 different majors. A degree as it turns out, almost as valuable and in demand as one in Neo-Bulgarian Mythology. I have been around education for around 40 years and can remember when teaching was a pleasant, happy and creative job and our schools were the same. Now I'm the guy sitting on the porch with an opinion on everything.
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